Mahmoud Darwish, from The Butterfly's Burden; "Maybe, Because Winter is Late" (tr. from the Arabic by Fady Joudah)
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existential agony and the 12H
It’s amazing how much better I feel in the dark. In a way, it’s like it’s the answer to all my problems. This whole day I’ve been feeling like I’m trying to access something I can’t reach. Like I’m trying to reach an unknown destination - one I just can’t quite put my finger on. And now that it’s night time and I’m in complete darkness, I kind of feel like I’ve gotten there. I guess this is what I wanted - to disappear. To escape. To be nothing. And yes, this is about to turn into another 12H-moon-is-the-pits post, because it is. I literally feel comfort in not existing. In not being embodied. In not being a person whose personhood is perceived and acknowledged. But the thing is, I am a person. That’s something I can’t deny. I am a person and I do have a body and I do have to exist and so I’m uncomfortable. I’m almost always uncomfortable.
A thought that often pops up in my head is, am I destined for suffering? Is it inevitable? Am I chasing peace and comfort in vain? Because it often feels like yes, discomfort is inevitable, and trying to pursue feeling normal, at peace, and like I belong is ultimately futile. I want to wake up and be a cloud for fucks sake. A marshmellow. An amorphous energy bubble - anything that would allow me to not have to be a person with a body and a supposed fucking ego.
In many ways, 12H moon is agony. Why would you make me a human who only finds comfort in being as far away from her humanhood as possible? What kind of life-long agony is that? Why would I choose this for myself as a soul? Because yes, we’re going there. The thing about me is that I can’t stay in the victim space for very long at all. As much as it may feel easier to yell out to the Sky Gods, “WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?”, I know that that approach is futile. I know I willed this. I know this is what I wanted. I wanted to heal people, I guess. I wanted to contribute to humanity in a way that was worthwhile and truly meaningful and transformative. But fuck, this is exhausting. Having to live everyday as this person-that-is-not-a-person is excruciating.
I really wish I had a void I could go to - like Janet from The Good Place. My own personal space of nothingness that I could just disappear into whenever I wanted. That would make this so much easier. If I could just have a few days off from humanhood. I often just want to disappear. That’s why I feel so good in a pitch black room. That’s why I crave nighttime and wait longingly for it the entire day. That’s why the frequency of daytime - with its (albeit beautiful) blue sky and strong sun (I live on the equator btw) - just doesn’t feel right to me. It doesn’t feel comfortable to me. As much as I can admire its beauty, it just doesn’t feel aligned with me. My comfort zone is non-existence, and I have to step outside of it every fucking day.
Me: When will this end?
When you die. And that’s not going to happen soon, is it?
Me: *sighs*, no.
The 12th house asks two important questions. The first is, “how much can you withstand suffering?”, and the second: “how much can you love yourself?”
“Making love was never about you and me in a bed. We made love whenever we held hands.”
— Iain Thomas, I Wrote This For You
